Finally Choosing Myself…

Why Is It Harder to Set Boundaries with People You Love?

We often discuss boundaries as if they were simply a matter of saying “no.” Growing up in a predominantly Hispanic community, we women were raised to be people-pleasers, be peacekeepers, or put others’ needs before our own. The machismo culture that most women were raised with in the Rio Grande Valley had very fixed gender roles placed on us that prevented us from learning and implementing healthy boundaries. So, I can see why boundaries can feel anything but simple, especially with the people closest to us.

I myself always struggled with porous boundaries. For most of my life, I gave more than I had, said yes when I meant no, and excused behaviors that hurt me for many reasons. But one major reason was that when I became pregnant at sixteen, I was treated horribly by those in the education system, society, and well… men. I was made to believe that I was “damaged goods” literally! I remember when I was attending a Sociology class at STC and I was sitting next to a male student, whom I didn’t know. He turns to ask my name, and his next question is, “Do you have any kids?” I said yes, and then he told me, “Oh, you're damaged goods.” Then proceeds to never talk to me the rest of the semester.

That moment broke something in me. That moment marked a turning point, not forward but backward. My confidence and mental health both crumbled. And for years, I was left trying to rebuild pieces of myself I didn’t even know had gone missing. Although with strangers, it felt easier. I could hold my ground with someone I didn’t know well. But with friends I grew up with, not so much.

A Friendship That Opened My Eyes

I had a friendship for over two decades with someone I now believe showed signs of narcissistic personality disorder. She often played the damsel in distress card, always in a crisis, always needing rescuing. Whether it was help with bills, favors, or constant emotional support, she was a master at getting people (including me) to give without limits.

I didn’t see it for what it was until everything unraveled. During my divorce process, I discovered messages she was sending my ex-husband at 2 a.m. You don’t need me to spell out what that usually means. That moment wasn’t just betrayal—it was clarity. I finally understood that my lack of boundaries had created space for manipulation, disrespect, and harm. Although she betrayed me, I was relieved that she was out of my life.

Let’s Talk About Boundary Styles

We all fall into different patterns when it comes to boundaries. Understanding the three core types helped me start the work of healing and reclaiming my voice.

1. Porous Boundaries

You often:

• Overshare personal information

• Struggle to say no

• Feel responsible for others’ emotions

• Allow others to take advantage of your time or energy

This was me for most of my life. Porous boundaries come from fear, fear of rejection, abandonment, or not being enough. But they don’t protect us. They keep us stuck.

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2. Rigid Boundaries

You often:

• Avoid closeness and vulnerability

• Keep people at a distance to protect yourself

• Say “no” automatically or refuse help even when it’s needed

• Struggle with trust

Rigid boundaries can develop as a survival mechanism, especially after trauma or betrayal. They’re protective, but they can also isolate us from true connection.

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3. Healthy Boundaries

You:

• Know your limits and communicate them clearly

• Can say “no” without guilt

• Accept when others set boundaries with you

• Make space for both closeness and individuality

Healthy boundaries are not about building walls, they’re about building respect. They’re about honoring your needs while still engaging in relationships that are safe, mutual, and supportive.

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries with strangers is practice, but setting boundaries with loved ones is transformation. It requires courage, self-worth, and sometimes loss. But the freedom it brings is worth it.

If you’ve ever been told you’re too sensitive, too nice, or too much, I invite you to look deeper, not at what’s wrong with you, but at what kind of boundaries you were never taught to have. You deserve relationships where your voice matters, where your peace is honored, and where saying “no” doesn’t come with fear. You’re not too much. You’re just learning how to be enough for yourself first. If you are interested in starting today, click here for a free worksheet titled, “Boundary Blindspots: What’s Blocking Your Voice?” Start working towards change.

Love Jacquelyn